Much Shortened and Edited SOTL
by lilacmage
Summary: The title says it all. AU. WARNING: completely OOC. Suppossed to be funny though; from tranquilizer guns to granny wigs, this is how I interpreted the SOTL series.


**Much Shortened and Edited SOTL**

**Alanna: The 26⅔th Adventure**

(A/N this fanfic is completely OOC, so if you haven't read the series yet then do not read this fanfic)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Tortall or anything else by Tamora Pierce. I also do not own "The Big Bad Wolf", "Little Red Riding Hood" or the children's song "Row, row, row your boat". I most defiantly do NOT own Alanna's sword (she would whack me with it if I claimed that).

* * *

Alanna: I don't wanna be a lady!

Thom: I don't wanna be a knight!

Lord Alan (Their Father): Too bad!

*Lord Alan leaves*

Alanna: I know, we'll switch places! I'll pretend to be a boy and go to the palace and you can go to the convent.

Thom: Do I have to wear dresses?

Alanna: No, of course not! You'll be a mage.

Thom: Oh… will you have to wear dresses?

Alanna: Urgh…

* * *

-Later, at the Palace-

Duke Gareth: Hello Coram, ol' buddy, ol' pal. Why Alan, aren't you puny!

Alanna: You b-, I mean, yes, your Lordship.

Duke Gareth: You idiot! I'm a 'Grace' not a 'Lord', can't you see how pretty and graceful I am?!

Alanna: Uh… yea.

* * *

Ralon: I hate you

Alanna: You kiss pigs!

Jon and Co.: Hello! Get lost Ralon.

* * *

Myles: Hello Alan. Have you learnt anything that will ever be of any use to you whatsoever?

Alanna: No, but I do enjoy jumping during my non-existent free time.

Myles: How interesting. Did you know that I hate the Code of Chivalry?

Jon: Shut up Myles

Alex: He's quite odd, but don't worry; we keep tranquilizer guns hidden under our desks in case Myles comes into class drunk and tries to kill us all with a banana.

Alanna: Oh… Hey, where's my tranquilizer gun?!

Jon: I ate it.

* * *

George: Hello young sprout. Have you fallen into any wells recently? (A/N read the book; this is not just some random sentence that I made up for absolutely no reason at all)

Alanna: Can't say I have

George: That's good. Let's go to the Dancing Dove

Alanna: Ok

George: By the way, I'm the Rogue

Alanna: That's nice

* * *

Ralon: Curry my horse!

Alanna: Stuff you

Ralon: *beats Alanna up*

* * *

Alanna: I fell down

Duke Gareth: That's a stupid excuse!

Alanna: It has tradition

Duke Gareth: Yeah, I guess you have a point there…

* * *

Alanna: I'm gonna fight Ralon

George: Go Alan!

Alanna: Ralon, you're a weasel

Ralon: *fights Alanna*

Jon and Co.: *Chanting* FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!

Alanna: Ha! I won. In your face Ralon!

* * *

Coram: Jon's sick

Alanna: What? Why?

Coram: He ate an entire tranquiliser gun about a page back, remember?

Alanna: Oh yeah… Fine! I'll use my gift.

Duke Baird: You have the gift?!

* * *

Alanna: Wakie-wakie Jonnykins! … Damn, he won't wake.

Myles: Just save him already!

Alanna: Alright, Alright. Sheesh!

Dark Goddess, Great Mother, blah blah blah, something about calling Jon, blah blah blah…

Mother Goddess: Hmph. You should be more polite shortie.

Alanna: Oi! It's not my fault he ate a bloody tranquilizer gun!

Mother Goddess: Fine, I'll let you off easy this time. Don't let it happen again.

Jon: Wow, you saved me!

Alanna: Well, duh.

* * *

Roger: Hello young Alan. *Grins evilly* Why, aren't you are looking most edible today.

Alanna: Wahh? *wonders why she's so scared of him* and WHY do you seem to remind me of the "Big Bad Wolf" in "Little Red Riding Hood"?

Roger: *Gets out Granny wig, steak knife and fork* No idea.

* * *

George: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Here, have a horse.

Alanna: YAYYYYY! I'm gonna name her moonlight because that's what I named my dead guinea pig… she only lasted five days though… *sob*

Jon: Can I have one to?

George: Sure!

Jon: Woohoo! I'm gonna name mine Darkness.

* * *

Captain Sklaw: You must all learn how to use a sword. I'll be spying on you at all times to make sure that you're always wearing it… day and night… when you're getting changed, when you're bathing, when you're sleeping. I shall hide behind corners and jump out to scare you if I see that you are not wearing your sword. I will even spy on you during your nightmares. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Alanna: Pervert… Awww, I hate swords.

Captain Sklaw: Hahaha, you SUCK!!!

* * *

Alanna: Ahhh, blood! I'm dying, my life is over, I am no more, I have passed away, I am leaving for the black god's care, I-

Mistress Cooper: No, you're just getting your monthlies.

Alanna: Oh...

George: WTF, you're a girl?!

* * *

Myles: Let's go to Olau!

Alanna: Ok!

*Myles and Alanna go to Olau*

Myles: I had dreams about you.

Alanna: O-kay! Weird!!! *coughfreakyoldmancough*

Myles: Let's go to the ruins.

Alanna: Wow, these look cool. Hey Myles, did you know that the Duke wears a red-gold brocade dressing gown?!

Myles: Yes, actually. Did you know that there are several rumours going around saying that you're actually a girl?

Alanna: Wha?! I mean… that's just stupid!

Myles: Hmmm…

* * *

Alanna: Look, I found a sword! I'm gonna call her Lightning.

Myles: Oi! That's mine. Oh well… I guess you can keep it…

* * *

Captain Sklaw: Fighting time! I expect to see you lose Alan. You're puny, stupid and ugly. You don't belong here, you silly little mongoose.

Alanna: I'll show you.

*Alanna wins*

Captain Sklaw: Hmph… I guess you did alright.

Alanna: Meanie!

* * *

Duke Gareth: All the squires are going to Persopolis. Alanna, you can go to.

Alanna: I don't wanna go!  
Duke Gareth: Too bad, we need a slave-like person to attend to our every need during the journey.

Alanna: Fine!

* * *

Roger: Don't go to the Black City. Especially not you Jon, you suck and wouldn't stand a chance against the Ysandir. Please note that I am saying this in my most sarcastic voice and am practically challenging you to try to do better than I ever could.

Jon: I'll show you! I can defeat the Ysandir.

Alanna: You idiot. Luckily I'm insane. I'll come with you. There has to be someone to drag your dead carcass back to Persopolis when you die.

Jon: Just shut up and don't knock me over the head when I try to enter the city.

Alanna: Fine!

* * *

Jon: Time to go to the black city!

Alanna: I can't believe we're doing this. We're both such idiots!

Jon: I thought you said that you were insane and I was an idiot.

Alanna: Shut up! .... Jon, my sword is humming... to the tune of "Row, row, row your boat", to be specific.

Jon: Whatever... That tune's kinda catchy actually... "Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. If you see a crocodile don't forget to scream. AHHHH! *Jon shrieks*

Alanna: JON! Stop singing and pay attention. We're at the black city you know.

Jon: Hmmm... It's very... black.

Alanna: *In sarcastic voice* OMG, no way! It's not black, is it?! I never would have guessed. IT'S CALLED THE "BLACK CITY" FOR A REASON DOUFUS!!!

Jon: I take pride in my intellect, you know.

Alanna: *snorts* Ooooooh, there's one of those Ysandir. Let's get this over with so that I can return to insulting you.

Ysandir: Hello, welcome to our city. Please feel free to admire the architecture as we eat your souls. Would you like a cup of tea while you're waiting?

Alanna: No thanks, I think I'm going to chop your heads off first. Maybe another time.

Ysandir: Ok

*fighting begins*

Ysandir: Haha, you're a girl *removes Alanna's clothes*

Alanna: Eeek! *attempts to cover her body with her hands* That's just rude!

Jon: … hot.

Alanna: *waving hand in front of Jon's face as he begins drooling* hellooo; can I have some clothes please?

Jon: *sighs* I guess…

*Alanna becomes decent*

Alanna: Now… where were we… Oh yes. DIE, DIE, DIE!!!

*Jon and Alanna kill the Ysandir*

* * *

Alanna: Do you really think they're all dead?

Random Ysandir: I'm not!

Jon: *shots the Random Ysandir with a tranquiliser gun* … not anymore

Alanna: Hey! Why didn't you use that tranquiliser gun earlier? It could have saved us a lot of effort

Jon: I dunno. Do you have any more questions or can I start making out with you?

Alanna: *Ignoring Jon's second question* Do you reckon that Duke Roger was trying to get you killed when he basically ordered you to go to the city?

Jon: Of course not! Roger taught me how to ride my first killer unicorn when I was two. He would never want me dead.

Alanna: … Yeah, but what about this quote from Roger: "Please note that I am saying this in my most sarcastic voice and am practically challenging you to try to do better than I ever could".

Jon: I don't believe you. You should check your sources.

Alanna: Hellooo!!! You should check your script. It has it at the top of this very same page you idiot!

Jon: Hmph. It must be a dodgy script then.

Alanna: *Gives up trying to convince Jon*

Jon: Aw crap, we're gonna be in deep shit when we get home.

Alanna: Nah, you are. I'm gonna blame it all on you, so HA!

Jon: Meanie!

* * *

THE BEGINNING (A/N yes, this is also not just some random thing that I made up for absolutely no reason whatsoever)

A/N For the record, although it is a little known fact, tranquilizer guns are actually fatal to Ysandirs.

A/N I'm not sure if people will like this or not... if you do like this and want me to write more of these sorts of things could you review, please? Thankyou for reading!


End file.
